There are two types of consequences, natural consequences and logical consequences.

Natural Consequences

Natural consequences are the results of choices we make without intervention from anyone else. For example, forgetting to put ice cream in the freezer results in melted ice cream.

Natural consequences are powerful ways to learn, but allowing children to learn from natural consequences is not always practical. You tell your children to stay out of the street because the natural consequence could be getting hit by a car.

But children, especially young children, do not consider the consequences of their choices, and make poor choices that could result in unacceptable natural consequences.

So, parents need to come up with logical consequences; consequences that replace the unacceptable natural consequences.

Logical Consequences

Logical consequences can be positive or negative.

Children behave well to enjoy the positive consequences of behaving well. Giving attention to good behavior is an example of providing a positive logical consequence: “I’ve noticed you’ve been nice to your sister all morning.”

Negative logical consequences are substitutes for negative natural consequences with the intent of preventing the natural consequence from ever happening.

The natural consequence of not brushing your teeth is getting cavities. Since you don’t want your children to experience this natural consequence, you make a rule with a logical consequence: If you don’t brush your teeth, then you don’t get any sweets.

The outcome of using logical consequences is that a child does not like the “emotional pain” associated with the consequence, and you hope to enforce the consequence only once or twice before the child decides to consistently obey the rule.

The consequence does all the teaching so you don’t have to.

Keep in mind that using logical consequences work best when you have a good relationship with your children.

The down side to logical consequences is that they can feel like punishments. Here are the four steps to separate logical consequences from punishments:

1. Decide on an appropriate consequence
2. Explain the rule with the consequence
3. Allow the child to break the rule
4. Carry out the consequence

Let’s take a closer look at each step.

Step 1. Decide on an Appropriate Consequence

Use the following two guidelines to decide on an appropriate logical consequence:

1. Related to the rule. If a child makes a mess, the related consequence would be to have the child clean up the mess. If a child comes in after curfew, a related consequence would be suspended use of the car.
2. Reasonable (not too harsh). If a child makes a mess, cleaning the entire house would be considered an unreasonable consequence.

An example of an appropriate consequence would be, if you ride your bike without wearing your helmet, I will ask you to put your bike in the garage.

If you cannot think of a logical consequence that conforms to both of these guidelines, then don’t use this technique because your logical consequence will feel like a punishment.

Instead, use problem-solving together (see Skill #15). Or, ask your child to come up with a consequence he thinks is appropriate.

Step 2. Explain the Rule with the Consequence

You cannot “make” your child obey a rule. You can only tell the child what you will do if he disobeys a rule. The logical consequence is what he can expect YOU will do. Once you have come up with an appropriate logical consequence, you will explain the rule with the consequence attached:

1. Explain the rule
2. Explain why the rule
3. Explain the consequence to expect if the rule is obeyed and if the rule is not obeyed
4. Have the child repeat back what you said

Step 2 is important because when the child is confronted with the choice of obeying the rule or not, he knows the consequence if he chooses not. This helps the child understand that his poor choice is the bad guy, not the parents.

Step 3. Allow the Child to Break the Rule

After the rule has been properly set, you are done until the child breaks the rule.

Step 4. Carry Out the Consequence

There are three parts to effectively delivering a consequence:
 

1. Express a sense of sadness for your child’s poor decision. “Ohh noo.” By saying this, Billy becomes aware that his poor choice is the bad guy, and not you. This is only effective when you set the rule and reveal the consequence in advance.
2. Explain what you see. “I see you riding without your helmet.”
3. Carry out the consequence with respect. Stay calm and do not increase the severity of the consequence. Point to the garage and say, “Garage.”