I believe if more parents knew about the 4 Emotional Needs:
There would be less drug and alcohol addiction, less unplanned teenaged pregnancies, less poverty and homelessness, less crime and incarceration, less mass shootings and other acts of terrorism, less pornography addiction, less gang activity, less violence, less child abuse, and less suicides.
There would be stronger relationships between parents and children, better cooperation among children, more children learning and practicing good values, and an increase in the likelihood children would make good choices when parents are not around.
There would be less anxiety, stress, and struggling among parents because there would be less fighting, defiance, misbehavior, and struggling among children.
These are pretty bold statements.
I gathered this information from the dozens of parenting books I’ve read, from the parents who have attended my parenting classes, from the incarcerated men who have attended my fatherhood classes, and from what I’ve learned through trial and error while raising six children.
If you want to reduce your struggling; if you want a happier family, meet the 4 Emotional Needs. There is no other way.
My challenge to you is to learn the 4 Emotional Needs and work on meeting them. See if you don’t notice a dramatic change in the way your children behave.
The 4 Emotional Needs
Here are the 4 Emotional Needs that all children are born with. Children long to have these needs met. When they ARE met, children behave better. When they are NOT met, children behave worse.
- A sense of belonging
- A sense of personal power
- To be heard and understood
- Boundaries
Here’s a brief introduction to each of the needs.
A Sense of Belonging
To a child, belonging means to feel connected, valued, and recognized as part of the family. Every child yearns for undivided attention and approval. They will even compete with their siblings to get it; sometimes hurting each other in the process.
When you meet your child’s need for a sense of belonging, your child feels connected, important, noticed, included, accepted and loved.
A Sense of Personal Power
Every child wants to feel independent, in charge of themselves, and have the freedom to choose. They want to learn new things and do things their way.
To be Heard and Understood
When children are in distress and are denied the opportunity to express their hurt feelings, their need to be heard and understood goes unmet. When that need goes unmet, children end up suppressing their painful feelings. If this need continues to go unmet for a long time, the stored-up emotional pain can result in acts of defiance, depression or addictions.
However, by meeting a child’s need to be heard and understood, the child is enabled to let go of his or her distressing feelings.
Boundaries
Kids need boundaries. We set boundaries by making requests and rules. Those requests and rules usually come from values we think are important. We enforce boundaries by correcting our children when they overstep the boundaries we have set. There are effective ways to correct behavior without threats or punishments.
How to Meet the 4 Emotional Needs
You will meet the 4 Emotional Needs by doing the 15 Essential Parenting Skills:
- Skill #1: Spend one-on-one time
- Skill #2: Spend family time together
- Skill #3: Get to know your children
- Skill #4: Make positive deposits
- Skill #5: Give choices
- Skill #6: Teach life skills
- Skill #7: Set goals with your children
- Skill #8: Acknowledge negative feelings
- Skill #9: Give attention to good behavior
- Skill #10: Making requests
- Skill #11: Teach values
- Skill #12: Create rules
- Skill #13: Enforce rules
- Skill #14: Use consequences wisely
- Skill #15: Problem-solve together
This website will show you how to do the 15 Essential Parenting Skills. If you want more details, pick up my new book.