It was time to go and I feared a meltdown right there in the library. My 5-year-old granddaughter was emersed in her computer game. Kids hate transitions and I was about to present a big one. I bent down so I was next to her ear. “Roselyn, it’s time to go.” The look on her face was pure disappointment and her eyes started to fill with tears.
“I’ll give you a choice,” I said. “We can leave now or in five minutes. Which do you choose?” “Five minutes,” she said.
Her disappointment turned into smiles. “Ok, let’s set the timer on my cell phone for five minutes. When it goes off, it’s time to go. Go ahead and tap the start button.” I left the phone with her and she happily resumed her game.
Five minutes later the alarm sounded. She stopped the alarm, stood up from her computer without a complaint, and we both left the library in a happy mood.
Sometimes giving a choice works smoothly like this. But sometimes it doesn’t.
Sometimes You Have to Think Creatively
Giving a child a choice between two options is one of the best ways to meet her need for a sense of personal power. But sometimes giving choices doesn’t work like you want.
Suppose you need to brush your child’s hair but she hates having her hair brushed. You try giving her a choice: “Do you want me to brush your hair or dad to brush your hair?”
“NOBODY!” she screams.
Well, since not brushing is not an option, consider asking this:
“I know you hate to have your hair brushed (start by acknowledging her feelings), but we have to do it. So you get to choose. Do you want to watch a video on my phone, eat a snack, or color while I brush?”
All kids are different. Sometimes choices don’t work. They’ll say “no” to any choices you give.
Then you have to make one of the choices a consequence of not choosing: “You can either put your shoes on yourself, or I’ll put them on for you. You have 5 seconds to choose. 1-2-3…“
Toddlers want (need) to feel in control. Giving choices are one of the best ways to meet that need.
One more thing. Create routines of daily activities like getting dressed, getting ready for bed, or getting out the door. Routines teach a child what to expect EVERYTIME a routine is followed.
Kids prefer routines. If you create routines, and choices are part of the routines, cooperation should improve over time. But you have to be consistent.
- “Do you want to wear this shirt or this shirt?”
- “I don’t want to wear a shirt!”
- “Ok, I’ll choose for you. I choose this one. Hey, I know you don’t want to put on a shirt. Right now you hate to wear a shirt, but you’re going to have to. So, you can put it on yourself, or I’ll help you put it on.”
- (Silence)
- “Ok, I’ll help you put it on.”
Sometimes Choices Are About Setting Boundaries
Sometimes choices are about setting and enforcing boundaries. Consider the following dialog:
- “Do you want to get into bed now or in 10 minutes?”
- “10 minutes.”
- “Ok.”
- (You set a timer – or better yet, you help the child set a timer. Timer goes off).
- “Ok, let’s go. No? Ok, you can walk or I will carry you. You have 5 seconds to choose. 1-2-3…”
One more.
- “Time to get in the car.”
- (The child is busy doing something and ignores you. You get in front of the child and get eye-level with him. You stay calm, but get his attention. He gets mad.)
- “You’re mad. You want to keep playing. I get it. But we have to go. Do you want to walk to the car or shall I carry you? You have 3 seconds to decide.”
Some kids simple do not like making choices. In that case, tell them what you want them to do and move on.
How is Your Relationship?
If you still have trouble, try improving your relationship by spending more one-on-one time. If you still have trouble, brush up on setting and enforcing boundaries.