Fighting among your children can be caused by a number of reasons.

When a child sees her sibling receive the attention, approval and love that she should be receiving, she becomes jealous.

Add to that the envy she feels for the accomplishments of another child,

and the resentment she feels for the privileges another brother or sister receives,

and it all adds up to mean the sibling is perceived to be worth more. And if the sibling is worth more, then the child concludes that she must be worth less, and that is a problem.

The best solution to this problem is to spend more one-on-one time with each child.

Another cause of sibling rivalry is a child’s need to feel superior, in charge, or empowered. If you are not meeting your child’s need for a sense of personal power, she will seek after it in negative ways such as teasing, bullying, or tormenting a brother or sister.

Other reasons for fighting among siblings might be that one child feels she was unjustly treated by her parents and takes it out on her brother or sister.

Sometimes a child has had a bad day and a sibling gets the brunt of it.

Sometimes disagreements between siblings erupt in a fight.

There is always an underlying cause of bickering and fighting.

Sometimes parents unintentionally promote sibling rivalry by doing the following:

• Give more attention to one child than to another, or play favorites.
• Make a child share his possessions (toys or whatever).
• Label a child: “Becki is the artistic one in the family.”
• Compare children: “Jimmy, if you would just apply yourself more like your sister does.”
• Asking kids to compete: “Let’s see who can clean their room the fastest.”

It’s understandable to feel that the aggressor in a sibling dispute should not get away with bad behavior and that the victim should be comforted, but it’s also important to remember that the home is where kids should learn to solve problems.

I’m going to provide you with some techniques to use, but before you get involved in a sibling dispute, ask yourself if you really need to get involved. Your main objective should be to guide your children to solve their own problems, and sometimes doing nothing is the best thing.

However, if you feel you must get involved, the first thing you need to do is acknowledge the negative feelings of both parties (Skill #8).

When you acknowledge negative feelings, your children are able to calm down, let go of their negative feelings, and often come up with ideas to solve the problem that is occurring.

It doesn’t always work out that way, but that’s what we shoot for.

Here are three levels of sibling conflict with a recommended response for each.

Level 1: Siblings are disagreeing or arguing.

Intervention is not needed. Ignore the conflict. Let the children work it out themselves.

Level 2: Siblings are shouting. The situation is heating up.

Intervention would be helpful.

Step 1. Go over to the children. Stop the fighting and acknowledge their anger: “Hold it, you guys! You two sound really mad at each other.”

Step 2. Allow them to vent, one at a time. “What’s going on? Andrea, you first, then, when she’s done, Kimmie, I want to hear from you.” Give each child a chance to vent; to express her point of view without interruption from you or the other child—whether what she says is true or not. Remember, you are not to agree or disagree. The only thing you want to do in this step is let them feel heard.

Step 3. Reflect the point of view from each child. “So Andrea, you want to play by yourself without Kimmie tagging along. Kimmie, you have nothing to do, so you want to play with Andrea.” In this step your objective is to let them feel understood.

Step 4. Summarize the problem. “That’s a tough one. One of you wants to be left alone, and the other wants to play together.”

Step 5. Express confidence that the two of them can work it out. “I’m confident that the two of you will come up with a solution that is fair for both of you. I’m going to let you two decide what to do.” In this step you let them know that you do not intend to solve their problem, but have confidence they can solve the problem together.

You might think you haven’t done anything to solve the problem, but you have. By letting each child feel heard and understood, you have enabled them to let go of their negative feelings, and when that happens, children are in a better state of mind to come up with solutions to the problem on their own.

What if the kids don’t have the slightest idea about how to work it out? In that case you could offer one or two simple solutions: “One solution might be to arrange a time to play together later today or, Andrea, you could find something else for Kimmie to do so you can play by yourself. You guys talk it over.”

What if they try to work it out and go back to shouting at each other? Then separating them might be the best option. You could say something like this: “Okay, one of you may not like what I’m going to say, but I’m going to decide who gets what. Andrea, you continue playing. Kimmie, you come keep me company. Then tonight we are going to have a meeting and decide what to do if one person is playing and the other person wants to play too.”

Level 3: Physical harm has happened or is imminent, or something has or is about to get broken.

Intervention is needed.

Step 1: Stop the fighting and describe what you see. “Hold it, you guys! I see two very angry children who are about to hurt each other.”

Step 2: Separate the children. Say, “It’s not safe to be together. I won’t permit hurting one another. We need a cooling-off period. You. Go to your room. And you, go to yours.”

Teach

Sometimes you can’t ignore your children’s squabbles and expect your children to figure out what to do on their own. You need to teach them. So, when everyone is calm, come together and teach your children how to handle disagreements. Consider covering the following points:

Teach what causes bad feelings and how to avoid them: Name-calling, endless teasing, hitting, pushing, taking toys without asking, and arguing. Ask the children what causes bad feelings.

Teach that either party can choose to walk away from a fight and put an end to it right then and there. For example, “He’ll get tired of jumping on the trampoline after a while and you’ll be able to have it all to yourself.”

Teach the benefit of taking turns.

Teach how to make respectful requests rather than making demands or just taking what you want. Teach how saying “please” and “thank you” and how that can go a long way in getting what you want. “Please, may I have my toy back?”

Teach that if you want something someone else has, try trading something for it. These are all life-skills you can teach.

By teaching your children how to solve problems between themselves and staying out of their fights, you empower them to figure things out on their own—a skill they will use the rest of their lives. It also releases you from the burden of having to be a judge and jury for every sibling argument.

Here’s one more suggestion. Just like adults, sometimes kids need time by themselves. Make arrangements so that each child can occasionally have their own space without a sibling tagging along and without having to share with anyone.

If you want to read a good book about sibling rivalry, pick up Siblings Without Rivalry, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.