This is a powerful technique to enforce boundaries. It promotes creativity and fosters a sense of team-work. It allows all parties involved to feel a sense of dignity and personal power.

Problem-solving together is one of the most powerful and effective ways to change a child’s behavior.

Use problem-solving with a child when that child has difficulty meeting an expectation or following a rule. For example, a child might have difficulty:

• Getting ready for school on time
• Getting along with siblings
• Brushing teeth
• Getting into bed on time
• Getting homework done
• Doing chores
• Sticking to a time-limit when playing video games

Problem-solving together works best if you have been working on strengthening your relationship with your child.

Three Steps

Problem-solving together has three steps that must be done in order:

1. Understand the reason for the behavior. This is where you try to understand why your child is having difficulty meeting an expectation or following a rule. There’s always a reason.
2. Share your concern. This is where you explain why you feel your child needs to meet the expectation or follow a rule.
3. Brainstorm solutions. This is where you and your child work together to come up with the best solution to the problem – one that you can both agree on.

Here is a simple example to demonstrate the three steps with your 6-year-old son:

Step 1 – Understand the reason for the behavior

You: “I’ve noticed it’s been difficult for you to brush your teeth at night. What’s up?”

Son: “I don’t like the toothpaste.”

You: “The toothpaste tastes bad?”

Son: “Yeah.”

You: “I’m glad you told me.”

Step 2 – Share your concern

You: “Here’s the thing. I’m concerned you’ll get cavities if you don’t brush your teeth.”

Step 3 – Brainstorm solutions

You: “I wonder if there’s a way for you to like the toothpaste so you’ll brush your teeth. Got any ideas?”

Son: “I don’t know. Maybe get some toothpaste that tastes better?”

You: “I can go along with that. How ‘bout we run to the store and get some different toothpaste. You can give it a try and see if you like it.”

Problem-solving is usually not that simple, but the previous example goes through the three steps of every problem-solving conversation. Let’s look at each step in a little more detail.

Step 1. Understand the reason for the behavior

Imagine a big iceberg floating on the ocean’s surface. What you see above the water is only a small part of the whole iceberg. Most of the ice is below the surface of the water where you can’t see it.

A child’s behavior is like an iceberg. Her behavior is what you see, but it is only a small part of what’s going on. What you can’t see is the reason for her behavior.

The reason is what drives her behavior. Even if you think you know the reason, you might not know the whole story.

So the first thing you have to do is find out the reason for the behavior in question. Here’s how to get started.

Find some time when both of you are calm and both of you can talk. Start your conversation by saying, “I’ve noticed…” then describe the behavior, and end by asking, “What’s up?”

Here are some examples:

• “I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to be ready for school on time. What’s up?”
• “I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to be kind to your little brother. What’s up?”
• “I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to brush your teeth before bed. What’s up?

During Step 1, you become an investigative reporter. Your job is to discover why your child has been behaving the way she has by seeing things from her point of view.

Then you must help her to feel that you hear and understand her.

Use the same three steps you use when acknowledging negative feelings (Skill #8):

1. Clarify her concern by asking questions.
2. Listen to her concern without interrupting.
3. Reflect her concern.

You have two goals.

First, you must listen and ask questions until you feel you have uncovered the real reason for the unwanted behavior.

Only when you understand the entire reason for her behavior can you arrive at a solution you can both feel good about.

Second, you must make her feel heard and understood by reflecting (or summarizing) her reason for her behavior.

Only when she feels heard and understood will she be ready to go on to Step 2, when you share your concern.

She won’t care about your concern until she feels heard and understood.

She may be reluctant to share her feelings with you for a variety of reasons:

1. She’s afraid you’ll get angry (again).
2. You’re a grownup, and a man, and there’s no way you’ll understand.
3. She thinks she’s in trouble and wants to avoid a lecture or punishment.
4. She can’t think of the right words to explain her situation.

There are things you can say to overcome these roadblocks and invite her to open up.

If any of your questions are met with silence or I don’t know, you can reassure her that she’s not in trouble and you are just trying to see things from her point of view.

“It’s not that you’re in trouble, I’m just trying to understand.”

You can also hazard a guess as to what she is thinking.

“Is there something going on at school that you don’t like?”

Silence could also mean she can’t think of the right words to say. Wait patiently to allow her time to put her thoughts into words. If she is silent for a long time, you can say,

“I don’t want you to feel rushed. Take your time.”

Clarify, listen, reassure her she’s not in trouble, hazard a guess, wait patiently for her answer, tell her to take her time and reflect her concern.

This is how you come to understand the reason for her behavior. This is how you make her feel heard and understood.

Problem-Solving Example

Let’s look at an example of how a mother might handle a problem with her teenage son who is supposed to come home by 11:00 p.m. on Saturday night, but doesn’t come home until 1:00 a.m.

The mother could threaten by saying, “You keep that up and you won’t take the car again.”

Or, she might use guilt to persuade his son to comply with the rule: “I worry about you when you don’t come home on time. Don’t do that to me again.”

Or, the mother might impose a punishment: “Son, we had an agreement that you could use the car if you were in by eleven and you haven’t kept your end of the agreement. You’re grounded from the car for a week.”

These statements only address Mom’s concern without any regard for her son’s concern.

Let’s see how this mother could use problem-solving with her son to address her son’s behavior. Before this type of problem-solving can happen, they must have already agreed on the expectation for the son to be home by 11:00 p.m.

Notice that the mother doesn’t focus on the fact that the son came in late. She focuses on a deeper issue: Trust.

Step 1: Understand the reason for the behavior

Mom: “Son, I know it’s important to you to be trusted—isn’t that right?

Son: “Yeah.”

Mom: “And I want to trust you. But I have to tell you that when we both agree that you’ll come in by eleven and you don’t come in until one a.m., I trust you less. I don’t like feeling that way. I want to feel that I can totally trust you. What’s going on?

Son: “Mom, it’s unreasonable to expect me to come in at eleven. None of my friends have to.”

Mom: “Your friends stay out later, so in order to spend time with them, you want to stay out later too.”

Son: “That’s right.”

Mom: “Hmmm.  I feel like I’m missing something. What am I missing?”

Son: “Mom, some of the guys make fun of me when I have to come home early. They call me a momma’s boy.”

Mom: “A momma’s boy?”

Son: “Well that only happened once, but still, I feel like I’m old enough to stay out later.”

Mom: “You feel older, and therefore, more responsible.”

Son: “Yeah.”

Step 2: Share your concern

Mom: “What concerns me is, when we have an agreement, I expect you to be responsible and honor that agreement.”

Son: “I know.”

Step 3: Brainstorm solutions

Mom: “What can we do to restore my trust in you?”

Son: “If I can stay out later, you can trust me to come home on time.”

Mom: “Hmm. That’s an idea, and I can see how it would address your concern, but I don’t think it would address my concern. It’s hard for me to trust you with more responsibility when I’m having a hard time trusting you with the responsibility you have now.

Son: “Then, what would restore your trust in me?”

Mom: “Perhaps if you kept our current agreement for a while, which is, I’ll let you use the car on Saturday night if you can be home by our agreed-upon time, and then when I’ve regained my trust in you, we can talk about extending your curfew. How do you feel about that?

Son: “How long do you think that might take?”

Mom: “I don’t know.”

Son: “Okay. I can do that.”

When the agreement was originally made, Mom, knowing her son as well as he did, had a feeling her son might have a hard time keeping his part of the agreement. She also knew that lectures, reminders and threats were not an effective way to teach trust.

A child cannot be forced to be trustworthy. So, Mom expected they might be having this conversation.

If Mom didn’t know how to problem-solve with her son, this conversation wouldn’t have taken place and a very important learning opportunity would have been lost.

When you create rules, you can expect your children to break them. Knowing that will help you stay calm when it happens. And if you have a plan in place for when rules are broken, you’ll have more confidence in your ability to handle those problems, and your frustration level will go down.

Problem-Solving Together can be an effective skill to enforce rules. The more you practice, the better you’ll get.

This mini-lesson serves as an introduction to problem-solving together. For more information refer to my book. There is an entire book written about this entitled: The Explosive Child, by Ross W. Greene.