“My kids don’t listen” is one of the most common parenting complaints. Here’s the thing. They probably hear you alright, but they don’t want to make the transition from what they are doing to do what you want them to do.

And get this. If you are in the habit of asking, and then asking again, and then again and again and again, you have trained your children to ignore you until you eventually blow up and yell, “Get your shoes on and get in the car NOW!”

The good news is, you can retrain your child to respond to the first request.

When you make a request, you are setting a boundary. If the child does not comply, then you must enforce the boundary.

Try the following techniques.

Give some advance warning

“In 5 minutes it will be time to clean up.”

The Simplest Way to Enforce Your Request

When you make a request and the child does not comply, go over to her, get on her level so you are eye-to-eye, request she stop what she is doing and focus on you. “Stop. Focus on me.” If this makes her angry, stay calm. Ask her to look at you, “look at me please.” Establish eye contact and state your request in a calm, even voice. “I want you to ____ and I want you to do it now.”

Start Your Directive with “I want…”

Instead of saying, “Get in the car,” say, “I want you to get in the car.” Instead of saying, “Give the ball back to Olivia,” say, “I want you to give the ball back to Olivia.”

When you say, “I want…,” you don’t take away from the child’s sense of personal power like you might with an order.

A Stronger Way to Enforce Your Request

Acknowledge negative feelings and give a choice.

Four-year-old Billy is having fun playing, but it is time to go. “Billy, it’s time to go,” announces Mom. Billy ignores her. Rather than repeating her request, mom goes over to Billy, kneels down so she’s looking Billy in the face, and acknowledges his negative feelings.

“You really don’t want to go. You’re having fun and I get that. But it’s time to go.

Then give a choice.

You have a choice. You can walk with me, or, I’ll carry you. You decide. And you must decide now.”

Mom stands up and waits five seconds.

At this point Billy may decide to walk. If he doesn’t, mom knows what to do. She calmly picks up Billy. Billy may fight and scream, but that’s okay. Mom expected this might happen.

Give attention to good behavior

When your child chooses to do what you request, give attention to her good behavior as you learned from Skill #9. “Thanks for coming when I asked you. I know you didn’t want to.”

Problem-solve together

When your children are 8-years-old or older, try problem-solving together. Say, “I’ve noticed that you have a hard time doing what I ask. What’s up?” Skill #15  is about problem-solving with your children.

As mom and dad consistently use this technique of acknowledging negative feelings and giving Billy a choice, Billy comes to realize this is how it’s going to be every time. He can count on it. He knows he can depend on mom and dad to follow through. Over time, the consistent use of this technique will build an awareness that when mom and dad say something, they mean it, and cooperation will increase.