Making decisions gives kids a sense of personal power.

Let’s review what it means to have a need for a sense of personal power. Personal power means to feel in control of one’s self or the situation. It means having the freedom to choose. Kids want to feel empowered and significant. They don’t like feeling controlled by someone else.

Children who do not have a strong relationship with parents, do not like their parents telling them what to do, so they rebel. They feel they can take back their personal power by 1) saying “no” to requests, 2) disregarding rules, and 3) doing the opposite of what parents ask. This usually results in a power struggle:

• “You’ll do it because I said so.”
• “No I won’t.”
• “Yes you will.”
• “No I won’t.”

When parents get into a power struggle, they never win.

However, giving children choices gives them a sense of personal power, and when a child has a couple of options to consider, putting up a struggle might not even cross her mind.

Give your kids a choice whenever you would normally choose something for them. Instead of giving them a breakfast cereal, offer them a choice: “Would you like this cereal or this cereal?” Or ask for their opinion: “Which soap should I put by the sink, the bar soap or the squirt soap?”

Offer two options, each of which you are OK with.

Here are some more examples:

• Do you want potato chips or corn chips in your lunch?
• Do you want the green towel or the blue towel?
• Do you want juice or milk?
• Which outfit do you want to wear, this one or this one?
• Shall we read this book or this book?
• Do you want to brush your teeth first or shall I brush your teeth first?
• Do you want to go to the park before or after lunch?
• Shall we have sloppy-joes or grilled cheese sandwiches?
• Shall we go to the post office or the bank first?

Offering choices is a simple but powerful way to give kids daily doses of personal power. You can also use choices to get kids to do something they don’t want to do:

• Do you want to load the dishwasher or clean up dog poop?
• Would you like to clean the living room or the bathroom?
• Do you want to do your homework at the table or up to the counter?
• Do you want to brush your teeth in the bathroom or the kitchen?
• Would you like to go home now or in 10 minutes?

This is a simple skill but very powerful.

I was teaching a pre-school teacher who had a student that didn’t like to take orders. She said it was time for the children to stop playing on the rug and sit up to the table. Her stubborn student ignored her request. Then she remembered what we talked about in class. She called him by name and said, “Do you want to sit in the red chair or the blue chair?” “Red chair,” he said, got up, came over to the table and sat in the red chair.

One more.

My daughter and her family were visiting me and my wife. They had to leave in five minutes. My son-in-law made an announcement: “We need to go. Do you want to leave now or in five minutes?” “Five minutes,” was the consensus. “Ok, I’m setting my alarm,” he said. When the alarm went off, everyone got up and headed for the car without a bit of complaining.

If your child cannot make up her mind, you can say, “If you don’t choose, then I will choose for you.” If your child chooses something that was not one of the choices, you can make the choice for her.

• Dad: “Do you want milk or water?”
• Child: “soda pop.”
• Dad: “Water it is.”

When do you use choices? Regularly throughout the day, whenever you would normally choose something for your kids. Instead of choosing for them, let them choose.