All children have likes, dislikes (hates), opinions, worries, fears, and wishes. When kids feel safe talking with you about those things, your connection with them grows stronger and they become more open to your influence.

Make Yourself Available

When kids want to talk, listen. If we don’t listen when they want to talk, they won’t talk when we want to listen.

Sometimes children want to talk, but they are not ready to talk. Their body language will tell you that something is wrong. So you can say,

You seem a little down today…
You seem a little distracted today…
You seem angry…

Use “You seem…” to make an observation, and then follow up with, “Is there anything you want to talk about?”

If they decline, follow up with, “Okay. When you’re ready, I’m here.”

When your child is ready to open up, try not to look panic-stricken if they drop a bomb on you. “Dad, I’m pregnant.” Dad “I have a drug habit that I need help with.” It’s important to stay calm.

Be a Safe Harbor

Ultimately, you want your kids to feel safe talking with you, which means, they will not worry about you laughing, criticizing, judging or getting upset. You want them to walk away feeling better. When that happens, they will be more likely to come back.

Provide an environment conducive to talking. That would include: while eating a meal together, while preparing a meal together, during one-on-one time, while driving in the car (hint: turn off the radio), or during Family Meetings. In all these cases you are not making constant eye contact and that can make it easier for your children to open up.

Ask questions that cause them to think

Here are some possible questions to get the ball rolling:

Toddlers and Little kids

• What is your favorite animal?
• What is your favorite color?
• What is your favorite dessert?
• What is your favorite part of school?
• What makes you happy?

Age 5-12

• What is something you do not like?
• What is something you are afraid of?
• What food do you love, and what food do you hate?
• If you could be any animal, what would you be?
• What if you were alone with a teacher, family member or neighbor, and they touch you in places that make you feel uncomfortable, or ask you to touch them? What should you say and what should you do?
• If you could have a super power, what would it be?
• If someone offered you drugs, what would you do? What should you do?

Age 13-18

• If you could have any 3 wishes, what would they be?
• If you won a million dollars, what would you do?
• What is your dream job?
• What skill would you like to learn?
• When you do something hard, what keeps you from quitting?
• You are on a date with someone you really like, and they begin to pressure you to have sex. What do you say and do?
• If someone tried to pick a fight with you, what would you do? If someone tried to pick a fight with your friend, what would you do?

Author Catherine M. Wallace has written something that I’d like to pass on to you:

Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big. Because to them, all of it has always been big stuff.

For more possible questions to ask, go to Google and search on:

• Questions to ask 5 year olds
  Questions to ask 10 year olds
  Questions to ask  ___ year olds
  Questions to ask teenagers

In my book, I offer 173 thought provoking questions you can ask your children to get to know them better.