Here are four more techniques for enforcing rules.
6. Stop, Redirect, Reward
Sometimes a child will become angry and hit or kick another child. Sometimes an angry child will try to break something. For example, let’s say seven-year-old Mason is angrily hitting his younger brother David.
First, STOP the behavior. Calmly and immediately stop the hitting by taking Mason gently by the arm and moving him a safe distance from his brother David.
Look him squarely in the eye and say calmly but firmly, “You are really mad.” It’s important that you acknowledge his negative feelings.
It’s those feelings that caused him to be angry. If you address only his behavior and do not take into consideration his feelings, you will only be addressing the symptoms of a deeper problem (see Skill #8: Acknowledge Negative Feelings).
Then, let him know, “It’s okay to be mad, but it’s not okay to hit.”
Second, REDIRECT the behavior. Redirect the boy’s behavior by giving him a choice: “Would you like to play with your cars or help me in the kitchen?” It isn’t enough to simply stop the behavior.
The behavior must be stopped and then redirected to a better behavior.
This is important for two reasons: First, it gets the child doing something other than hitting his brother. Second, it gets him doing something worthy of some positive attention.
Third, REWARD the child for good behavior. After the child has been behaving properly for a few minutes, you have the opportunity to give attention to good behavior. “You’ve been playing with your toys very nicely. Thank you.” Then you gently touch his arm.
7. When-Then Statements
The skill works like this: “WHEN you’re done doing what I want you to do, THEN you can do what you want to do.” Here’s an example:
Ben: “I’m going over to Jack’s.”
Ben: “I’ll do them as soon as I get back. I promise.”
Dad: “When your chores are done, and done to my satisfaction, then you may go over to Jack’s.”
Ben now has a choice. He can 1) do his chores and go to Jack’s, 2) not do his chores and not go to Jack’s, or 3) Go to Jack’s without doing his chores. Here are the guidelines for using When-Then statements:
- Develop the “When.” This is the task you want your child to complete: empty the dishwasher, clean up dog poop.
- Develop the “Then.” Think of a normally occurring privilege that your child wants to do that must be postponed until the task has been completed. It should be something close to the time the task needs to be completed. “When your hands are washed, then you may have a cookie.” Getting the cookie is the obvious privilege in this case.
- Say your When-Then statement in a calm voice. “When you finish folding your clothes and putting them away, then you can use the computer.”
If Ben chooses to go to Jack’s without doing his chores, Dad will go to Jack’s and bring his son home. No need to punish. This is a teaching moment. Jack learns what to expect if he defies his Dad.
8. Give Advance Warning
If the child is in the middle of doing something she enjoys, and you are going to require that she stop and do something else, give some advance warning in the form of a choice: “Susan, we need to go. Do you want to leave now or in five minutes?”
She’ll say in five minutes. Then say, “Okay, I’ll set my alarm for five minutes.” When the alarm goes off, the alarm is the bad guy, not you.
Giving advance warning in this way helps you meet the child’s need for a sense of personal power while at the same time, prepares her to do something she doesn’t want to do.
9. Cooling-Off Period
Sometimes one of your children will do something that really sends you over the edge. When emotions run high, it is better to put some distance between you and your child and allow some time to calm down and think rationally.
“Son, I’m so mad right now I need to take some time to calm down. We will talk about this in a few minutes.”
Then, when your blood pressure has returned to normal and you can think clearly, come together with your child to work on solving the problem.