Here are five techniques for enforcing rules.

1. Describe What You See

Here is a simple way to enforce a rule: describe what you see.

Rachelle is eating food where food is forbidden.

Describe what you see: “Rachelle, I see you eating food over the carpet.”

No need for threats, commands, or lectures. When you use short, simple statements, the child’s self-esteem is left intact. Your short observations cause children to think, “What? Oh yeah, I’m supposed to hang up my coat.” This technique also requires little time and effort on behalf of the parent.

2. Use One Word

Here is another short and simple way to enforce a rule. It requires very little effort but works like a charm. And sometimes the less you say, the better it works.

Rachelle is eating food where food is forbidden.

Use one word: “Rachelle. Food.”

3. Express How You Feel

When children break rules, you can express yourself in a respectful, but assertive manner without attacking or blaming the other person. Attacking or blaming puts others on the defense and is not an effective way to change someone’s behavior.

Keep the focus on:

1. How you feel
2. When you feel that way
3. What can be done to make things better

“Rachelle. (1) I get really angry (2) when you eat over the carpet. (3) Food belongs in the kitchen!”

4. Include “Because” and Tack on an Agreement

Okay, now you are going to get a little more serious about impressing upon your child that you are not going to let him get away with disobeying a rule, by adding a couple more sentences to Express How You Feel, above. This is as close to a lecture as you’ll get, using as few words as possible. Have a little sit-down meeting and do the following five steps.

1. Explain how you feel
2. When you feel that way
3. Because _____ (explain why their behavior causes you to feel this way)
4. What can be done to make things better
5. Get an agreement

Here is an example:

“(1) It makes me upset (2) when you leave your bike in the driveway (3) because I have to get out of the car to move it. I’m also afraid I might not see it one day and run over it. (4) I want you to make sure your bike is on the lawn or in the back yard when you are not riding it. (5) Can you do that?”

As always, be on the lookout for good behavior so you can give it attention. When your child shows up to the car on time or thanks you for the ride, acknowledge it: “Thank you for keeping your bike off the driveway.”

If your child still has a hard time obeying the rule, then use Problem-Solve Together, as explained in Skill #15.

5. Use Soft Criticism

This works in three steps:

Step 1: Offer an excuse

You provide your child’s excuse. That way, your child doesn’t need to come up with one. For example, you could say,

“I know you didn’t mean to…”

Step 2: Explain the problem

After you offer the excuse, add a “but” and explain the consequence of the child’s actions, or failure to act. “But when you (describe the behavior), (this is what happens).

Step 3: Move forward

Teach what you want to see in the future. You could say, “From now on would you please…?” or, you might ask your child to come up with a better way. It might sound like this:

“I know you didn’t mean to make your little sister mad, but when you grab things away from her, it makes her unhappy. When you see her with something you want, what could you do that’s better than grabbing it?

I learned about Soft Criticism from Eileen Kennedy-Moore. For more information, go to her website:

https://eileenkennedymoore.com/article/soft-criticism/