In the last mini-lesson, Emotional Needs 1 and 2, you learned about the first two emotional needs: a sense of belonging and a sense of personal power.

In this mini-lesson you will be introduced to the last two emotional needs.

To be heard and understood

The third need all children have is to be heard and understood.

Unlike the first two needs, children cannot meet this need on their own.

It requires another person. When children are in distress but are denied the opportunity to express their hurt feelings, this need goes unmet. When this need goes unmet, children end up suppressing their painful feelings.

If this need continues to go unmet for a long time, the stored-up emotional pain can result in acts of defiance, depression, addictions; even thoughts of suicide.

However, by meeting a child’s need to be heard and understood, the child is given the freedom to let go of his distressing feelings. When that happens, his ability to think more clearly, act more responsibly, and solve his own problems increases greatly.

Boundaries

The forth need all children have is the need for boundaries.

Clear, enforced boundaries make children feel safe, secure, and that you care about them. Boundaries are necessary to provide a sense of order in the household, keep kids safe, and teach respect for each other.

You set boundaries by teaching your children about them, why they exist, and correcting them when they test those boundaries.

Boundaries teach children self-discipline.

One thing that is handy to know is this: children will test boundaries. So, it’s important to understand how to set and enforce boundaries in loving and effective ways.

To Summarize

When you are not meeting your children’s 4 Emotional Needs, they will make it known through their behavior; or rather, their misbehavior.

When a child whines for your attention, she is saying, “I need to feel a sense of belonging.”

When a child ignores your request to get ready for bed, she is saying, “I’ll do what I want because it’s how I get my power fix.

When a child smacks his sibling, it may be out of frustration from not feeling heard and understood.

When a child makes a sandbox on the kitchen floor from a bag of flour, she is saying, “What rule?”

If you want to achieve the 4 Objectives and reduce the struggling, you must meet your children’s 4 emotional needs.

There simply is no other way.

Here again are the 4 Objectives:

1. Strengthen your relationship with your children
2. Replace misbehavior with cooperation
3. Build a strong family where your children will learn and practice good values
4. Increase the odds your children will make good choices when you are not around

You achieve these objectives by meeting your children’s 4 Emotional Needs:

1. A sense of belonging
2. A sense of personal power
3. To be heard and understood
4. Boundaries

Now the question becomes: How do I meet the 4 emotional needs? You are going to learn about that, but there is one very important thing I need to tell you first.