In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, Stephen R. Covey teaches how to improve relationships with your children by using the analogy of an emotional bank account.

You make deposits by doing things that build trust. You make withdrawals by doing things that decrease trust. Examples of making withdrawals would be nagging, criticizing, and losing your temper.

If you have a high, positive balance in your child’s emotional bank account, the level of trust is high, communication is open and free, and your ability to influence that child is increased dramatically.

If you have a low balance or are overdrawn, there is little or no trust, no real communication, and your ability to influence that child is decreased considerably. Here are 10 deposits you should make to ensure a high, positive balance.

1. Be Thoughtful

Say please, thank you, and excuse me. Do small favors. Call just to say “Hi.” Express appreciation. Give sincere compliments. Tuck a note in a lunchbox. Write an inspiring note and stick it on the mirror or somewhere they will see it. Fix a favorite breakfast. Attend games, plays and recitals in which your child is participating. Look for opportunities to be thoughtful. When you do, you’ll find them everywhere.

2. Make Hello and Goodbye a Special Event

In the morning when you first see your children, greet each one like they were an important person: “Good morning. How did you sleep?” Be sure to say goodbye and give a hug or a fist-bump to each child before you leave for work.

When you get home from work, seek out each child to say hello. Don’t forget to make children feel important when they go to bed at night by saying good night and giving a hug and an, “I love you.” This gives them a boost of positive attention and meets their need for a sense of belonging.

3. Appologize when Necessary

Some parents think that apologizing is a sign of weakness, when in fact, just the opposite is true. Apologizing turns withdrawals into deposits. “I said some things that were unkind and I want to apologize. I was angry, but I should not have said what I did.” We all make mistakes. When we do, we need to own up to it, sincerely apologize, and move on. The outcome will be far better than trying to hold on to stubborn pride.

4. Keep Promises

Promises create excitement, anticipation and trust. Broken promises create disappointment and mistrust. Make your word your bond. If you tell your child to expect something, do everything in your power to see it through.

5. Forgive

Your children will give you many opportunities to practice forgiveness. Forgiveness will free you from the burden that anger places on you. It releases the bitterness and resentment you feel when your children are inconsiderate, uncooperative, rude, disrespectful or rebellious. Don’t stop forgiving. Never hold a grudge. You don’t have to say, “I forgive you” out loud, just say it in your heart and mind.

6. Laugh Together

Besides strengthening your immune system, boosting your energy, and reducing stress, laughing together with your kids is a good bonding activity. Kids like being with you when you make them feel good, and laughing makes them (and you) feel good. Laughing with your children:

•  Strengthens your relationship and promotes bonding
•  Allows your children to express their deeply felt emotions more freely
•  Gives your children a good dose of acceptance and a sense of belonging

Ask your kids if anything funny happened to them today.

Laughter must be shared by everyone. If someone is the brunt of a joke or the object of sarcasm, then your laughter takes on the form of criticism and shame, and harms your relationship – even if you say, “Just kidding.”

7. Touch in Gentles Ways

Appropriate touching can be a powerful way to increase bonding, cooperation, and teamwork within our families. Babies actually need loving touch to develop properly, both physically and emotionally. As children grow, it can be hard to maintain a culture of touching, so here are some suggestions to get you in the habit.

Give hugs every day when kids are small, make it a routine to hug your children when they get up, when they’re leaving for school, when they get home, and before bed.

Even teens need hugs – maybe not as often as small children, but they need them. My kids are in their 30’s and 40’s and we still hug. I hug all 23 of my grandchildren interspersed with fist-bumps.

8. Read Together

Studies have shown that reading to children helps them develop language skills, problem-solving skills, creativity and empathy. When they go to school, they tend to do better. Reading to children will bring the two of you closer together.

9. Say I Love You

Some parents have a hard time saying, “I love you” to their children. Maybe it was never said to them. Here are some things that happen to children when they hear “I love you.” It makes them feel important. It gives them the freedom to make mistakes. It gives them confidence. It gives them courage.  It helps them to love others. It creates a desire to love you back. Try a little experiment. Next time, instead of saying, “I love you,” say, “I love being your dad.” “I love being you mom.” You will get an out-of-the-ordinary reaction.

10. Dad, Treat the Mother of Your Children with Kindness and Respect

Children notice how you treat their mom, whether you live together or not. Your actions teach your sons how to treat a woman and teach your daughters what to look for in a future husband. If you use belittling comments, verbal abuse, yelling, criticism, sarcastic remarks, verbal threats, unwanted physical contact, rudeness, or show disrespect whether to her face or behind her back, it will have a negative emotional effect on your entire family.

A strong, happy family begins with showing kindness and respect to mom. Because you set an example of how to treat mom, you should also forbid your children from disrespecting their mom. Kids should know they are also expected to treat mom with kindness and respect. If your kids show disrespect, let them know you disapprove and correct their behavior by using the skills taught on this website.

And when the end of your workday rolls around, take the kids off mom’s hands. Do not be the kind of man who thinks housework and raising children are for women only. Give her all the help you can. Make positive deposits into her emotional bank account.