The part that you see above the ocean’s surface is only a small part of the entire iceberg. The larger part is submerged where we cannot see it.
So it is with children. What we see is their behavior. What we don’t see is all the reasons for their behavior. There is always a reason.
When we encounter a child who is showing unwanted (or bad) behavior, it is only natural to focus on the behavior and try to stop it, rather than ask ourselves what the root cause of the behavior might be. When we focus on the behavior, that is, what we can see, we try to change (or control) the behavior.
So we use methods of control like punishing, threatening, bribing, lecturing, spanking, and screaming.
We do these things because we don’t know a better way, and because these methods of control work—but only for a short time. Misbehavior is guaranteed to return. Why? Because the root-cause of the misbehavior is still driving the behavior.
Under the Surface
Next time your child explodes by screaming at you, calling you names, throwing a tantrum, or being rude or disrespectful, think of that behavior as a window into what is happening under the surface.
He or she is experiencing big feelings, big worries, big fears, or big frustrations. These emotions are overwhelming (and uncontrollable).
Look at your child’s behavior, not as an overreaction or an act of disrespect, but as an expression of feeling overwhelmed or in emotional pain.
What your child needs from us is to:
- Be calm
- Meet our child’s need to feel heard and understood
Be Calm
Our children cannot learn to control a painful emotional feeling if we, their model, cannot control our painful emotional feelings.
Meet Our Child’s Need to Feel Heard and Understood.
We cannot control our child’s feelings. But we can provide a climate to help him or her control their own feelings. When we try to meet our child’s need to feel heard and understood, we are taking a peek under the surface where the reasons for the behavior lies.
First, we will allow our child to be upset. Take a breath and say to yourself: I allow you to be upset.
Then we will make an effort to meet our child’s need to feel heard and understood by acknowledging their negative feelings:
- Child: I hate you!
- Parent: I do not appreciate that kind of talk. You sound really upset. What’s going on?
- Child: You take Emma out for ice cream but never me.
- Parent: Hmmm. Your mad because I took your sister Emma out for ice cream and not you. Have I got that right?
- Child: Yeah.
- Parent: I wonder if there’s anything we can do to fix that. Got any ideas?
- Child: Yeah, take me.
- Parent: I think that’s a great idea. We could go on Saturday afternoon. Shall we write it on the calendar?
What happened here?
First, the parent reflected the emotion the child was feeling (really upset), and asked for some clarification.
Then the parent reflected the reason for the outburst.
Then the parent invited the child to problem-solve.
After children feel heard and understood, they become empowered to problem-solve, but not before.
The child came up with an idea that was agreeable with dad.
They wrote it on the calendar which gives the child something to look forward to.
When we make an effort to acknowledge our children’s negative feelings, we meet their need to feel heard and understood. The child is then able to release those negative feelings instead of bottling them up.
This technique will not work during a tantrum. It can only be effective after the child has had some time to calm down.