Kids need boundaries (aka rules). And they need to clearly understand what is expected of them before cooperation can happen.
Rules must be understood before they can be enforced.
There are three ways to create rules.
Quick and Easy
“Hey, no jumping on the couch! Couches are for sitting only,” is a quick and easy way of making a rule. Most rules are made on an as-needed basis, right? You don’t know a rule is necessary until you see a need for it.
Rules made the quick and easy way, however, may not make a very big impression. Children can tune you out when you give them, conveniently forget them, consider them as a one-time deal, or regard them as unimportant.
They might even ignore those rules later to see if you are serious about enforcing them. That’s their job. Kids are good at dodging or finding loopholes in rules made the quick and easy way.
Get the Child to Repeat the Rule
- Getting the child’s attention
- Explaining the rule
- Having the child repeat the rule back to you.
This will increase the chance that the child will understand and remember the new rule.
“Hey, no jumping on the couch! Come here. Couches are for sitting. Not for jumping. So, I’m going to make a rule. No jumping on the couch. Couches are for sitting, not jumping. Can you remember that?”
The answer will always be “yes.” Kids can be pretty good at telling you what you want to hear.
Then you’ll say, “Okay, what’s the rule?”
They’ll say, “Umm, I forgot.”
You’ll remind them, “The rule is, no jumping on the couch. Couches are for sitting. So, what is the rule?”
When they repeat the rule to your satisfaction, then you compliment them. “That is exactly right. Thank you.”
Done. You have made the rule.
Teach a Skill
Some rules take a little more training; training that would resemble teaching a life-skill. Watch how Mom teaches this next rule:
“From now on I would like you to wash your hands by yourself when I call you for dinner. I’m going to show you what I expect, okay? Come with me. First, put the stool in front of the sink. Very good. Now get on the stool and turn the hot and cold water on so it’s warm. Go ahead and try. A little hotter. Great. Now get your hands wet. Good. Now, one squirt of soap. I want you to scrub your hands all over. Keep scrubbing and count to 10. Slow down. Now rinse. Make sure all the soap is rinsed off. Nice job. What do you think you do now? That’s right. Turn off the water. Now what? Yup. Dry your hands. Are we done? Not quite. One more thing to do. What is it (pointing to the stool)? That’s right. Put the stool back where it goes. You got it. So, what are you going to do when I call you for dinner? That’s right, wash your hands. Do you know why I want you to wash your hands before dinner? Because dirty hands can make you sick. So, why do we wash our hands before dinner? That’s exactly right.”
Don’t forget, when you make a new rule, try to catch your child obeying the rule and give attention to the new, good behavior. Your positive feedback reinforces the behavior (See Skill #9 – Give Attention to Good Behavior).
Teaching a life-skill requires more time than the other two methods. Some parents say they don’t have the time. Consider this. You can either spend time teaching, or spend time dealing with the same misbehavior over and over again.
Please consider the following when it comes to Family Rules:
- Family rules are for everyone. Everyone should be expected to follow family rules, even Mom and Dad.
- Tell them why. If your children understand there are simple reasons for your rules, they’ll be more likely to comply.
- Let children help make the rules. Explain the situation and invite the children to create a rule.
- Rules teach self-discipline. Boundaries you set actually teach kids to set boundaries for themselves. They learn to delay immediate gratification, which strengthens their self-discipline.
- Expect kids to break rules. That’s what they do. They test limits and boundaries. Sometimes they will break a rule just to see what you will do. If children continue to break a rule, then it’s time to enforce the rule.