Please read the following statement carefully because it is the foundation of this principle and the reason it works.

The behavior that receives the most attention is the behavior that will happen the most.

Will you agree that most of the time, the behavior that receives the most attention is the bad behavior? Well, if the above statement is true, and I’m claiming it is, then the following statement must also be true.

If you pay more attention to good behavior, good behavior will happen more often.

Experts in child behavior say this is one of the best ways to replace misbehavior with cooperation. I’ve seen it work and I know parents who were amazed at how quickly their children’s behavior changed when they applied this principle. Here is what you do:

Look for good behavior and give it attention.

Giving attention to good behavior means watching each of the children, and when one of them behaves in a good way, rewarding him or her with positive attention. Here are some examples:

• I noticed you were nice to your sister all morning.
• I noticed you came when I called the 1st time.
• I noticed you did the dishes without being asked.
• I like it when you chew gum with your mouth shut.
• I’m impressed with how nice your room looks.
• Thank you for cleaning up your spill.

Here is the challenge. Usually when children are behaving well, it’s easy to ignore them. “Leave well enough alone,” you might say. Don’t ignore children’s good behavior. Watch for opportunities to give attention to good behavior.

Even children who are always misbehaving will accidently do something right. You might say, “I noticed you walked past your brother without teasing him. Thank you.”

The more positive attention you give a child who exhibits good behavior, the more you will reinforce that behavior. You have to watch for opportunities. Sometimes you have to watch really hard.

Dr. Glenn I. Latham, in his book, The Power of Positive Parenting, states: “Research has shown that the most effective way to reduce problem behavior in children is to strengthen desirable behavior through positive reinforcement rather than trying to weaken undesirable behavior using aversive or negative processes.” Dr. Latham feels this statement is so important, he includes it at the end of every chapter.

Positive things to say:

• Good thinking.
• You’re really using your head.
• Good idea.
• You did it!
• Nice going. Gimme five.
• Well done.
• I couldn’t have done it better myself.

Anything that starts with “I notice…”

• I notice you are sitting quietly.
• I noticed you were nice to your sister all morning.
• I’ve noticed that you’ve really been in control.

Anything that starts with “I like…”

• I like the way you are sharing.
• I like the colors you chose.
• I like it when you chew with your mouth shut.

Anything that starts with “I’m impressed…”

• I’m impressed with how nice your room looks.
• I’m impressed that you didn’t hit your sister back.
• I’m impressed with how you took care of the baby.

Anything that begins with “Thank you…”

• Thank you for doing that without an argument.
• Thanks for doing what I asked.
• Thank you for doing that without being asked.

Positive things to do:

• a hug
• a pat on the back
• a high-five

Another way to give attention to good behavior is to write a note: “I noticed you shared your crayons with your brother this morning. That made me smile.” Slip the note in his lunchbox, coat pocket, inside his book cover; anywhere he will find it.

Try a little experiment

Choose one negative behavior you’d like to see your child change. Decide what the opposite behavior would be. For example, the opposite of not getting into bed when asked is getting into bed when asked. The opposite of teasing your little brother is not teasing your little brother. Then watch for a small glimmer of the opposite (positive) behavior. When you see it, give it attention. “You got ready for bed much faster tonight. I like that. Thank you.” Or, “I noticed you played nicely with your bother for 10 minutes. High five.”