I was teaching inmates at the county jail about fatherhood.

We were talking about values and consequences. One of my students stood up and said, “That’s it. I’m out of here,” and left the classroom.

When one of my students does something abrupt like that. I know not to question it. There was a reason he did what he did. Maybe I’ll find out later. Maybe I won’t. But questioning someone’s behavior in front of other people is not how to handle it.

As we were wrapping up class, he walked back in and sat down. When class was over, everyone filed out except for him. I asked him what happened back there.

He said he disagreed with everything I said.

I’m OK with that. In fact, I welcome differences of opinion. I asked him to explain.

He said, “My parents raised me in a strict religious home. They tried to force their own values down my throat. When I didn’t respond to their liking, they made up consequences and punishments to get me to conform.”

He told me his parents read all kinds of self-help books to help them deal with him. He said they did the best they knew how, nevertheless, he rebelled.

Then he said something that I will never forget. He said, “If my parents would have just sat down and had a decent conversation with me.”

I thought what he said spoke volumes. It showed me that a child’s feelings and opinions are important no matter how different they are from his parents’. And when those feelings are expressed, the parents would do well to acknowledge those feelings by listening and reflecting.

Had his parents taken time, regularly, to make their child feel heard and understood, would his life turned out differently?

I don’t know. But I feel compelled to make this argument:

If you do not listen to your child; if you do not meet his or her need to feel heard and understood, your influence will dwindle. You will run the risk of experiencing a disconnection with your child and watch as your child spirals down into rebellion and unhappiness.