Without a good relationship, forget about setting or enforcing boundaries. Your kids won’t care.

We are all designed for love and connection. We are born with a yearning for relationships. When children are born, the first thing they do is look for someone to bond with. And that desire for connection continues as they grow up—even into adulthood.

A good relationship with your children is the key to being a happy parent and giving your kids the best chance at becoming happy, successful teenagers and adults.

However, when your relationship is on rocky ground, your children are deprived of the connection they were born to have. They lose their desire to do what you ask. Their life is full of anxiety and their behavior reflects how they feel.

A bad relationship also creates stress in your life, preventing you from feeling the joy and fulfillment you should feel as a parent. You worry that you are a bad parent and messing up your kids. That’s how I felt when I was a young parent.

Meeting the need for boundaries will be much more effective if you have a good relationship with your children.

Take a look at the following illustration.

These are the 4 Emotional Needs with three new additions:

• Relationship
• Set boundaries
• Enforce boundaries

This is to illustrate two principles.

First, when you work on meeting the first three emotional needs, your relationship with your child will grow as it was meant to from the moment your child was born.

Second, your children’s reaction to boundaries depends on Relationship. You will set boundaries by making requests and rules. You will enforce boundaries by enforcing requests and rules. When you have a good relationship, your children will be more receptive when you set boundaries, and more responsive when you enforce boundaries. If you have a bad relationship, they won’t care.

There are no parenting skills relating to boundaries that can make up for a weak relationship.

You should always be working on meeting the first three emotional needs. If you do not, you will spend at least the same amount of time dealing with unwanted behaviors.

I like what Dr. Laura Markham says in her book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: “Children can be difficult in so many ways. But deepening our connection with our child will always help, no matter how challenging the child or the situation.”

Connection—not correction—is the only reason your kids will give up what they want, for what you want.

That brings us to the beginning of the 15 essential parenting skills. I’ve been looking forward to this because I know that your life is about to get better.

These skills are divided into four sections. Each section represents one of the 4 Emotional Needs. Within each section are the skills you will use to meet that particular emotional need.