Do you have a child who won’t cooperate when you want her to do something she doesn’t want to do?
This post will help you raise the likelihood your child will respond after your first request.
Let’s take a look at two reasons that would cause a child to “not listen”.
- Our relationship with that child is on rocky ground.
- Children don’t like making a transition from doing something fun, to doing something not fun.
Relationship
You should be constantly working on strengthening your relationship with each of your children. When you do, your children will feel more like doing what you ask.
Connection increases cooperation.
Dr. Becky Kennedy, in her book, Good Inside, says, “The more connected we feel to someone, the more we want to comply with requests. Listening is essentially a barometer for the strength of a relationship in any given moment. So when our kids aren’t listening to us, it’s critical to frame the struggle not as a child problem but as a relationship problem.”
On this website, there is a mini-lesson about relationships called, Put Relationship Before Discipline.
Transition
It probably won’t surprise you that if a child is doing something fun, and you ask her to do something not so fun, she won’t want to make the transition.
She knows that she can buy a little more time by ignoring you. Perhaps you’ve trained her to ignore you by asking multiple times before getting upset, at which time she knows that it’s time to start moving.
You are going to retrain her by giving only one or two requests.
Let her Know What to Expect
During a calm moment when the two of you can talk, sit her down and say:
“Honey, When I ask you to do something and your having fun doing something else, you ignore me. I get it. It’s hard to do what I ask when you’re doing something you enjoy. But here’s the thing. When you ignore me, I get angry. And I don’t like that. So from now on, I want you to do what I ask when I ask, even if it’s hard. Can you do that?” She’ll aways say yes. Otherwise talk about her reason for saying no.
You may want to add:
“I’ll try to give you some advance warning so you’ll know what to expect, but that might not happen every time.”
This will let her know you respect her and that her feelings are important to you. By acknowledging her feelings, you meet her need to feel heard and understood.
Okay, it’s time to try out a new technique to get your child to cooperate.
Give Advance Warning and a Choice
You are at a friend’s house. Your daughter is having fun and it’s time to go.
Give her the advance warning you promised. Make sure you have her attention and give her the choice between two options, both of which you are okay with:
“We have to go. Do you want to leave now or in five minutes? Five minutes? Okay, let’s set the timer on my phone. Here, you push the start button.”
Giving her a choice meets her need for a sense of personal power.
Now, leave your phone with her. When the alarm goes off, the phone is the bad guy, not you.
If she still won’t comply, acknowledge her feelings and make a second request.
Acknowledge Negative Feelings and Make a Second Request
Go to your child. Kneel or sit to get eye-to-eye with her and calmly say, “I know it’s hard to stop playing when you’re having fun. But it’s time to go. I want you to get your shoes on now.”
If she still won’t comply, give her another choice.
Acknowledge Feelings and Give Another Choice
I get it. You’re having fun and don’t want to go. Here are your choices. You can walk, or I’ll carry you. Which do you want?
If she still won’t comply, follow through with the second choice.
Follow Through with the Second Choice
You know what to do. Pick her up and take her to the car.
Look what happened here.
- You let her know what to expect when you make a request.
- When it was time to leave, you gave her advance warning, gave her a choice when to leave (now or in 5 minutes) and set an alarm.
- When the alarm went off and she didn’t comply, you acknowledged her feelings and made a second request: “I want you to get your shoes on now.”
- When she didn’t comply, you acknowledged her feelings again and gave her a choice: walk or be carried.
- When she didn’t comply, you followed through with the second choice (carried her).
Remember, you are retraining your daughter. After going through these steps a few times, she will come to realize that you mean what you say the first time, and comply after your first request.
But you must be consistent. Don’t revert back to your old way of making requests by repeating your request over and over until you explode.