Avoid Power Struggles

Two things are true about power struggles:

1. They never end well
2. They are avoidable

Power struggles are arguments between a parent and child when the parent makes a request and the child refuses to comply.

The Situation

Your six-year-old Billy wants to go play in the backyard. You think its cold enough to need a coat.

• Billy: I wanna go outside and play.
• Parent: Okay, but you must wear a coat outside.
• Billy: I don’t want a coat.

This is where the communication usually goes south.

• Parent: I’m sorry, but you need to wear a coat.
• Billy: I’ll be fine. I don’t need a coat.
• Parent: If you go outside, wear a coat.
• Billy: No
• Parent: Wear. Your. Coat.
• Billy: No

And the power struggle begins.

There are two ways to handle power struggles:

1. Problem-solve together
2. Give a choice

Problem-Solve Together

Whenever your child is in distress, in other words, is upset by your request, the first thing you need to do is acknowledge his negative feelings. This meets his need to be heard and understood.

• Billy: I want to go outside and play.
• Parent: Okay, but you must wear a coat outside.
• Billy: I don’t want to wear a coat.
• Parent: Hmmm. Let me understand what’s happening here. I’m worried about you being cold and want you to wear a coat. You’re telling me that you won’t be cold and don’t need a coat. Did I get that right?
• Billy: Yeah.
• Parent: Hmm. What can we do? What can we do so we both feel good about you going outside? Got any ideas?
• Billy: How about I take my coat with me and if I get cold, I’ll put it on.
• Parent: Sure. I can go along with that.

What happened here?

First, the parent acknowledged Billy’s negative feelings.

When parents acknowledge their child’s negative feelings, it opens the child up to problem-solving.

Second, the parent asked Billy for ideas to solve the problem.

Giving the child first crack at coming up with a solution makes him feel that you have faith in his problem-solving ability and that you are actually interested in his ideas, which will help to meet his need for personal power.

You are empowering him to solve a problem.

Also, a child will be much more willing to try an idea if it is his idea.

Remember: No involvement, no commitment.

Give a Choice

Let’s say it’s really cold outside and wearing a coat is a real safety concern. So, the parent feels that Billy must wear his coat.

• Parent: Hmmm. You like to make your own decisions and you don’t like me telling you what to do. Here’s the thing. It’s my job as your parent to keep you safe, and right now, that means wearing a coat outside. So, you have a choice. You can either stay inside, or wear your coat outside.
• Billy: That sucks.
• Parent: I hear you, and you are allowed to be mad at me.

What happened here?

First, the parent remains calm.

Second, the parent has set a boundary by first acknowledging Billy’s negative feelings, stating the parent’s concern, and then giving a choice.

By acknowledging Billy’s negative feelings, the parent has met his need to feel heard and understood.

By giving a choice, the parent has met Billy’s need for a sense of personal power.

It’s okay for Billy to be mad, even real mad. What’s not okay is for the parent to give in to Billy’s angry response and let him go outside without a coat.

If Billy disregards his parent’s request and sneaks outside without a coat, the parent will go outside and bring him back in.

The parent will again acknowledge Billy’s feelings and then impose a consequence.

• Parent: I know how badly you want to go outside without your coat. I get that. But I cannot allow you to do that. If you go outside again without your coat, you’ll stay in the house.
• Billy: For how long?
• Parent: Until I say.

What happened here?

First, Billy learned that when mom or dad make a request, they mean it, and will enforce that request.

Second, Billy also learned that his parents respect his feelings by making him feel heard and understood.

Keep Working on Building a Relationship

The parent in this story understands that for Billy to be receptive to the request and responsive to being corrected after overstepping the boundary, the parent must have a good relationship with Billy.

Relationships are strengthened by meeting the first three emotional needs.