Without a good relationship, forget about setting or enforcing boundaries. Your kids won’t care.
A good relationship with your children is the key to being a happy parent and giving your kids the best chance at being happy as well.
However, when your relationship is on rocky ground, your children lose their desire to do what you ask.
A bad relationship also creates stress in your life, preventing you from feeling the joy and fulfillment you should feel as a parent. You worry that you are a bad parent and messing up your kids. That’s how I felt when I was a young parent.
Meeting the need for boundaries will be much more effective if you have a good relationship with your children. Take a look at the following illustration.
These are the 4 Emotional Needs with three new words added:
- Relationship
- Set boundaries
- Enforce boundaries
This is to illustrate two principles.
First, when you work on meeting the first three emotional needs, your relationship with your child will grow.
Second, the way your children react to the boundaries you set and enforce depends on your Relationship.
You will set boundaries by making requests and rules. You will enforce boundaries by enforcing requests and rules.
When you have a good relationship, your children will be more receptive when you set boundaries, and more responsive when you enforce boundaries. If you have a bad relationship, they won’t care.
There are no parenting skills relating to boundaries that can make up for a weak relationship.
You should always work on meeting the first three emotional needs. If you do not, you will spend at least the same amount of time dealing with unwanted behaviors.
Connection—not correction—is the only reason your kids will give up what they want, for what you want.
If you are having trouble setting and enforcing boundaries, your problem may not be a discipline problem, but a relationship problem.
Work on meeting the first three emotional needs before you put more effort into setting and enforcing boundaries.