Do not take backtalk personally. Your child is expressing his feelings while being frustrated or disappointed. Here are some things you can do to minimize disrespectful backtalk.

Disrespectful backtalk can be reduced by meeting your children’s 4 Emotional Needs. When you meet their needs, you reduce their desire to act out.

Ages 2 ½ to 7. Toddlers and young children are like sponges. They absorb words and phrases they hear on TV, from their peers, on the playground—and may not even understand the meaning.

Kids will test new words on you to express feelings they cannot communicate any other way. You say, “It’s 8:30. Tablet time is over. Time to get ready for bed.” They respond with, “No, you idiot-head.”

What to do. There are two situations at play here. The first is tablet time is over. The second is the disrespectful backtalk.

For now, consider the disrespectful backtalk your child’s way of saying, “I’m having fun and I don’t want to stop right now,” and ignore it. Instead, focus on the tablet time being over.

1. Remain cool and calm.
2. Acknowledge negative feelings: “I hear you. You’re having fun and don’t want to stop. I’ll bet you wish you could play all night.”
3. Give a choice: “So you have a choice to make. You can put the tablet away, or I can put it away for you. Which do you choose?”

If your child still refuses to comply, you know what to do. Take the tablet away. You might have to pry it out of his hands.

Then you say, calmly and matter-of-factly, “I want you to go get ready for bed, now.” At this point, he may unleash more name-calling, which you will continue to ignore.

Later, when you are both calm and not distracted, start a conversation that might go something like this:

You: “Son, I noticed last night when I asked you to put the tablet away, you were pretty mad and called me some unkind words. What’s up with that?”

Son: “I don’t know.”

You: “Where did you learn those words?”

Son: “I don’t know.”

You: “Well, here’s the thing. When you use those kinds of words it shows disrespect, so I don’t want you to talk like that. But you know what? I’m going to teach you something better to say, Okay?”

Son: “Okay.”

You: “Instead say, ‘I’m having fun and I don’t want to put it away.’ Do you think you can do that?”

See what’s happening? You are teaching your son to express his feelings in a way that is not disrespectful but still gets his point across.

If the situation happens again, you will have another conversation like this one. If you are intentionally working on meeting your child’s 4 Emotional Needs, he will eventually come around to using more respectful language.

Punishing will only cause resentment and lead to worse behavior.

Ages 8 to 18. Children this age know what to say to inflict the most hurt. They may swear and use vulgarity as a way to get you angry because they are angry. If they have gone a long time without their emotional needs being met, they will be in an emotional free-fall and take their anger out on you with their words and actions.

What to do. Resist the urge to say, “Don’t you dare talk to me that way,” or, “You need to learn some respect.” Here are two options for you to consider.

Option #1. Act as if the disrespectful backtalk has no effect on you. Your child is angry and any attempt to control his language is like trying to control his feelings. You can’t do it.

And while his temper is raging, he is disconnected from the logical part of his brain, and acting from the emotional part of his brain. He is acting purely on how he is feeling.

Instead, focus on enforcing the boundary.

Option #2. Say, “You’re upset. Even so, I want you to talk to me respectfully.”

What if your child comes to you in distress because something is unfair? For example, he’s mad that his sibling doesn’t have to help with a task, and unleashes a string of disrespectful words.

Acknowledge his negative feelings (Skill #8). Then later, when everyone is calm, address his offensive language. At this age, your child is old enough to problem-solve together (Skill #15). Start by saying, “I noticed yesterday you said some pretty offensive things to me. What’s up?”

Do not let your children think you are okay with disrespectful backtalk. Confront the offending party when you are both calm.

If you have a good relationship with your child and he knows that disrespectful language is not allowed in your home, he will probably apologize before you have a chance to talk with him about it. Accept his apology and move on. Don’t make a big deal about it.