- Why kids lie
- How to prevent lying
- What NOT to do when your child lies
- What TO do when your child lies
Why Kids Lie
Children tell lies because they don’t feel safe telling the truth.
When you send the message that your children can feel safe telling the truth, they will start telling the truth.
My son tells his six children, “It doesn’t matter what you’ve done. If you don’t try to hide it, and come to me and tell me what you did, we will work through it together, and you won’t have to worry about getting in trouble.”
One of his kids cracked the windshield on his car and told him what happened. He kept his promise and they worked through it while keeping their relationship intact.
How to Prevent Lying
You can prevent (or minimize) lying if you create a home where telling the truth feels safe. Here are eight ways to do that.
- The best way to make your home a place where your children feel safe telling the truth is to strengthen the relationship you have with your children.
- Be open and honest about your own life. If you goofed up or made a bad mistake, share it. Let them see your imperfections so they know everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect.
- Teach your children why it’s important to be honest. Talk about the consequences of being dishonest. Teach your children how it can take a long time to build trust, but only a few moments to destroy it.
- Teach your children it’s okay to make mistakes, and that mistakes are learning opportunities to help you make better decisions in the future.
- Don’t set your child up to tell a lie. Instead of saying, “Did you do your homework?” say, “How much more homework do you have left?”
- If your children are worried about being yelled at, punished, or criticized, stop doing it. Start building trust. Let them know you are safe through your actions.
- Give recognition when your child tells the truth: “That must have been difficult to tell me what really happened. I admire your courage.”
- Make sure to remind your kids often that although at times you may not like their behavior, you will always love them no matter what.
It may take a while for your children to feel safe telling the truth in your home. They want to be able to confide in you. When the time is right, they will.
What NOT to Do When Your Child Lies
When you catch your child in a lie, there are some things you should avoid doing. If you are doing any of these things now, STOP! But don’t worry. I’m going to show you what to do instead. Until then, do not:
- Get angry, yell, criticize, lecture, scold or say, “What were you thinking?”
- Wash your child’s mouth out with soap or hot sauce
- Spank, ground, put in time-out, or punish
- Express disappointment or make the child feel guilty
- Demand the truth
- Call your child a liar
- Say, “Why can’t you ever tell the truth?”
If you punish your child for telling a lie or trying to conceal something, you’re going to increase your child’s determination to tell more lies to avoid punishment in the future. And with enough practice, they’ll get really good at it.
What TO Do When Your Child Lies
Busted! You catch your child in a lie. Now what?
Even if you’ve made a sincere effort to make your home into a place where everyone can feel safe telling the truth, there may still be times when your child slips up. Expect it and be prepared. When you catch your child in a lie, here are six things to practice:
- Be sure your child is lying. You can damage your relationship by accusing someone of lying when they are not.
- Stay cool and calm.
- Don’t embarrass your child in front of other people. Before confronting your child about a situation that would cause embarrassment, take him to a place where you can talk privately.
- Create a feeling of safety. Say, “You are not in trouble. I just want to know what really happened.”
- If lying continues to be a problem, use Skill #15: Problem-Solve Together.
- As always, when you talk with your child about something that is difficult for him to talk about, use Skill #8: Acknowledge Negative Feelings.