Children cannot feel “bad” and behave “good”. Look for the reason behind bad behavior. There is always a reason.

If your child is acting aggressively, look at his emotional needs. Are you meeting those needs? One of the possible reactions to unmet emotional needs is aggressive behavior.

• Try spending more one-on-one time with your child. If you have been spending one-on-one time with your child once a day, try twice a day (Skill #1).
• Get to know your child (Skill #3).
• Make positive deposits (Skill #4).
• Give choices (Skill #5).
• Teach life skills (Skill #6).
• Set goals with your child (Skill #7).
• Be sure to acknowledge negative feelings (Skill #8).
• Look for good behavior and give it attention (Skill #9).
• And have a discussion about a couple of your family values: It’s important to be kind. It’s important to respect others (Skill #11).

Teach Your Child What to do Instead

When your child is calm and teachable, have a conversation about what makes her feel like behaving that way. “Honey, let’s talk about what happened earlier.”

Then teach her what she can do or say instead of being aggressive. Teach her she can express her feelings by saying something like, “I’m really mad at you,” or “Hey, I was playing with that,” or, “I don’t like it when you do that.”

You can also read some children’s books with your child that explain how to handle hurt feelings without hurting others. Go to Amazon.com and search for children’s books about anger, or children’s books about hitting.

How to Handle Aggressive Behavior

If you are holding your child and she becomes aggressive toward you, calmly stop her aggressive action with your hands and say, “You are mad. But I won’t let you hit me (or kick me, or bite me). Stop, or I will put you down.”

If she doesn’t stop, then of course, put her down. She may go into a meltdown but that’s okay. You know how to handle that (see the mini-lesson on Tantrums).

If your child is prone to being aggressive, stay close to her when she is around other children. If you see her about to hit, kick, bite, or pull hair, stop it from happening.

Use your hands to gently prevent or stop the aggressive behavior and calmly say, “You really want that toy, but I’m not going to let you hit.”

If your child has already hurt another child, stay calm. Move your child away from the hurt child and say, “I can see you’re really mad. But biting is not okay.” Then attend to the hurt child.

When things have calmed down. You need to show your child some love. Many parents think that time-out or some other sort of punishment is necessary to make their child think twice before hurting another child again. But it won’t.

Your child is in a dark place emotionally. Punishing would only drive her deeper into her emotional pain.

Instead, say, “You must have been really mad.” Then give her a hug if she’ll let you. Love and understanding are the best things you can give your child in a moment like this.

Do not force an apology: “Now, say you’re sorry!” A forced apology is not sincere and will teach your child nothing.

When your child has had a chance to calm down, talk to her about what happened and what made her get mad. Then ask her if she can think of anything she can do to make the offended child feel better.

An apology might be one of the options, but doesn’t have to be. Your child will learn about apologies by modeling you.

Staying calm can be a challenge when your child is being aggressive, but the more in-control you are, the sooner your child will calm down.

Your child is dealing with big, frustrating feelings the only way she knows how. Be understanding of that. Eventually, she will learn, from you, better ways to deal with her feelings.

You cannot fight aggression with aggression and have a happy outcome. The best way to fight aggression is with love and understanding—no matter what your child’s age.