Knowing that, however, does not make them any less frustrating and perplexing.
A tantrum is when the emotional part of a child’s brain disconnects from the logical part of his brain. The child runs on pure emotion without any thought to consequences, feelings of others, or what’s right and wrong.
The logical part of the brain that normally controls emotion, loses all control, and the child is taken over by feelings of frustration, disappointment and anger.
Keep Your Child Fed and Rested
Kids will get cranky when they are hungry or tired, and the smallest trigger can cause them to go into a meltdown. If you have discontinued naptime and discovered they have more tantrums, consider going back to naptimes.
Spend One-On-One Time with Your Child
By now you should understand how important it is to meet your child’s need for a sense of belonging. Your child might be trying to tell you she needs more of your undivided attention. This need for a sense of belonging is so strong that kids consider angry attention to be better than no attention at all.
Go Ahead and Set Boundaries
Children don’t like being told “no” or that they will have to wait. This can cause frustration, disappointment, and anger, which can turn into tantrums.
But don’t let the likelihood of a tantrum keep you from saying “no” if you need to.
Children need to have boundaries and they need to learn delayed gratification. They also need to be able to express their feelings, and tantrums can be their go-to method for releasing distressful, overwhelming feelings.
But it’s hard to put up with the kicking and screaming, especially the high shrills that accompany tantrums.
The fastest way to end a tantrum is to let your child sense your calmness.
Shouting or telling a child to calm down will only intensify a volatile situation. This is also not the time to give a hug. You are better off not engaging.
Tantrums are a way of releasing pent-up, distressful feelings. Your job is to allow the expression of feelings.
Do not try to reason, bargain, or teach a lesson while a tantrum is in full force. The logical part of a child’s brain is disconnected at this point and cannot reason.
Later, when your child has calmed down, you can talk about what caused the tantrum. When you do, meet your child’s need to feel heard and understood by using Skill #8: Acknowledge Negative Feelings.
Prepare Your Child for Disappointment
In the parking lot, before you go into the store, turn to your children and say, “Kids, listen to me. We are going to go into that store. Sometimes I buy you a treat and sometimes I don’t. Today I am not going to buy treats. We have treats at home. If you ask me to buy you something, what will I say? ‘No.’ That’s right. Okay, let’s go.”
For those children who followed the plan, be sure to give attention to good behavior when you get back to the car or get home (Skill #9).
Heading into a Full-Blown Tantrum
Children process their emotions differently. Some will want to be alone during a tantrum, while some will want you to stay with them. Some will want you to be quiet, while others will need some comforting words.
When using comforting words, you will be speaking to the emotional part of your child’s brain by reflecting his feelings. Calmly say, “I can see that you’re mad because you really wanted that candy and I said you had to wait. Waiting can be hard.”
If you say, “But you can have some later,” you are talking logic. And as logical as that sounds to you, kids don’t understand logic when they are out of control.
If your child is kicking, move him away from anything he can break. If he is attempting to hit you, gently but firmly hold his hands and calmly say, “I can’t let you hit me.”
If you are at a public place like the beach or the store, you can either let the tantrum play itself out there, or carry your child to the car even though he is kicking and screaming.
Stay near to let him feel you are there to keep him safe. Once your child calms down, offer a hug. Your child needs to know you still love him.
You will discover that tantrums are only a phase of your young child’s life. He will eventually grow out of them.
Your calm reaction to his tantrums will teach him:
- That you love him no matter what
- That you allow angry feelings to be expressed
- That “no” means no
- That when you ask him to do something, you expect him to do it